French physician and seer Michel de Nostradamus is famous for predicting the future using a bowl of water. He also wrote his prognostications in quatrains.

Unlike Mich (his friends called him Mich), my predictions for the New Year will not be in the form of cryptic riddles that lay themselves open to multiple interpretations. And instead of water, I see the future through a bowl a beer. Which is not only appropriate, but necessary considering the train wreck that was 2017. Here we go!

The phrase “Global Warming” will be banned from the human lexicon and replaced with the hipper and more accurate “Nature Happens.”

The American Bald Eagle will be replaced as our nation’s symbol by Fiona, the Cincinnati Zoo’s celebrity hippo.

Scientists will finally invent a Time Machine. But instead of going back through history to kill Hitler or prevent 9/11, Millennials will use the new technology to jump 10 seconds in the past to erase their last drunk tweet from the timeline.

Brexit will be followed by Calexit, where the Commonwealth will dissolve its relationship with the University of Louisville and go all in on the University of Kentucky.

The media will take a break from 24/7 news coverage that affects our daily lives (economy, geopolitics, health, etc.) and focus all their attention to every tweet, toot and tirade of President Donald Trump. Wait – that already happened?

On the Education front, one plus one will be found to equal 3.45, not 2 as originally thought. Calculator sales crater on the news, while pencil and paper futures see a resurgence.

A Virtual World will replace the actual one as the preferred way of moving through life. From education to health to entertainment, all facets of humanity will be seen through the lens of Augmented Reality goggles. With billions of humans camping out on the sofa instead of roaming the planet, the carbon footprint savings alone will pay for mankind’s first colony on Mars, with money left over for a side trip through In-N-Out Burger.

Every television show with an elimination round will be cancelled. Color bars will fill in the dead space, forcing families to discuss subjects other than the Chrisleys, Khardashians and Real Housewives.

Conventional language will be replaced by music … which will be cool, since the notes you send will consist of actual notes!

Fidget Spinners will be the vanguard of a new health movement, when people start to literally fidget as a form of working out. Franchises of Fidget Gyms will sweep across the nation.

Television would have us believe every action or reaction a person has is due to some “syndrome” or “disorder.” Next year, these bumps in the road will be distilled into one word that encompasses them call: a little thing called Life.

As always, my predictions have been hermetically sealed in a steel-infused envelope and secreted in a time locked safe scheduled to open on December 31, 2018.

Until these amazing predictions knock on your door, relax, stay safe, and have a wonderful new year!

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