When I was first given the chance to write for The Ledger Independent, Bob Hendrickson asked me to produce five samples of my work. According to Bob, writing a handful of columns is easy. Doing it on a weekly basis is not. And he's right.
Except in my case. "Why is that, Robert?" you might ask. It's not because I am clever (you know I'm not). It's not because I have a deep well of insight from which I dip week after week (obviously, I do not.)
Simply put, it is because life in these times is so ridiculous that I am provided an embarrassment of riches when it comes to story topics.
For instance, a pair of New York lawmakers want the Proctor and Gamble Company to work over their Tide Pod design, so they look less tasty. Because of the Tide Pod Challenge. Yes, because people aren’t smart enough to keep soap out of their mouths. Our parents went for years without chomping on waxed fruit tempting them, and our generation wants to burp bubbles? Perhaps intelligence skipped a generation.
Need inspiration? Look no further than California, where a bill is being proposed that would make it illegal for servers in restaurants to give customers plastic straws unless requested. The punishment? A $1,000 fine or possible jail time. Which sounds redundant - isn't living in California punishment enough?
My friend Caroline was seeing red after reading about the Staten Island school that was cancelling their annual Father/Daughter dance because of the system's gender-neutral policy. Father. Daughter. Gender. Neutral. That, folks, is why parenting should be done at home, and not left to the world of academia.
The Eagles defeated the Patriots in the Super Bowl, which is a win not only for Philadelphia, but for all Mankind. Fans followed the time-honored tradition of looting, vandalism and arson in celebration.
The Weather Channel is still trying to make Winter sexy by giving names to snow storms (as if the White Death didn’t suffice). This week’s snow event was named “Liam.” Where is it going to stop? The fog named Fred? Ralph the Rainstorm? Will there be a weather special on "Windy and the Blustery Day?"
From the "That's why we can't have nice things" Department: A tempest in a toasted chip blew up last week when it was revealed PepsiCo was pondering the idea of creating a quieter Dorito for women, who might like to enjoy the munch without the crunch. Thus, began a game of "anything you can eat, I can eat louder." When will guys break out the pitchforks and torches over Secret deodorant? After all, it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
See? As long as there are humans scrambling across the land, there will be stupidity. And as long as there is stupidity, I’ll have all the fuel I need to make fun of the people who have a Twitter account, a thin skin, and an over-inflated sense of themselves.