I need to stop and thank all the nice folk who've been kind enough to take time from their busy schedules to provide this column with some constructive criticism. By the way, moron is spelled with two Os, idiot doesn't have an E and using all caps is frankly, rather rude.
It seems a segment of my loyal audience has come to the considered opinion that this award-seeking, hard-hitting, investigative journalistic feature needs to be more positive as concerns our 45th president, Donald J. Trump. And they do not mean to hear he is positively a puppet of a dyspeptic alien lizard and our country is now knee-deep in despicable doo-doo and will be for 3 years and 7 more months.
It is my most recent musings that have been accused by a grammatically-challenged few as skewing towards the contrary, overly focused on the gloomy, and said unsolicited feedback implores me to make efforts concentrating on the uplifting and employing a more optimistic myopia.
It should be pointed out that the job description of political humorist does entail this sort of mocking and scoffing and taunting no matter the partisan nature of the White House occupant. That's part of the deal. You would think people who supported a guy who called opponents "Little Marco," "Lying Ted" and "Crooked Hillary" would realize that "Stupid Donald" was in the offing. Especially with such low-hanging fruit.
Everything is fair game, including, but not limited to, all administrative behaviors such as mendacity, stupidity, duplicity, chicanery, hypocrisy, humidity, treachery and treason. Then throw in verbatim quotes, physical features, speech patterns and an exact recitation of actions and the satirical possibilities bloom into a cornucopia of delights.
Admittedly, it is much easier to vamp on the current confusion and malfeasance than during the previous administration when scandals were at such a premium that Fox News once feigned outrage that President Barack Obama wore a beige suit.
But for those of you who feel that there has been a bias on the part of your intrepid correspondent, please accept our heartfelt apologies, and allow Durstco to make it all up to you, by calming the waters with a list of these affirmative aspects of living in America during the Time of Trump.
- The next president won't have to worry about living up to impossibly high standards.
- Donald J. Trump guaranteed a post-presidential, promotional tie-in with Twitter.
- No longer have to study Theater of the Absurd in French.
- Washington D.C. legal industry specializing in criminal defense experiencing a growth spurt.
- The president has done for political comedy what legalized marijuana did for Cheetos.
- The phrase "witch hunt" has reentered the popular lexicon.
- Even racist, xenophobic, misogynist, incompetent blowhards need role models.
- His cabinet announced they are blessed to serve him and that his eyes are dreamy.
- Didn't allow Ted Nugent to sing at his Inauguration.
- Actual proof to the old adage that in America, anyone can grow up to be President, as long as they're not a woman.
- Both Democrats and Republicans united in their disdain for James Comey.
- Don't ever have to worry about this First Lady running for president.
- Russian language schools are swamped.
- Sales of Maple Leaf patches to be sewn onto backpacks when traveling overseas have skyrocketed.
Feel better now, people?